Wow. Well this isn't easy.
Hello, internet. One of you in particular.
Today I have to tell you- Oh, deviation title, you ruined it!
I don't think I just like girls, honestly. But I'm not exactly in the middle either. I can't even be sure what end of the spectrum I'm closer to, probably the one I'd much rather not be, but why does it really matter?
It isn't a phase. But I sure wish it was. It's something that's been here a long, long time, longer than I was even conciously aware of.
It doesn't mean that I hit on every girl I see or on my friends or anything like that. It doesn't mean that I'm gonna start going by the stereotype. It doesn't mean anything about me has changed, because it hasn't.
This is certainly not what I would choose if I could, know that. There's a lot I would do to change it, but nothing I can do. Like me, you just have to take it or leave it.
"I like girls the way I'm supposed to feel about boys. It's something that's always been inside of me and I really want to share it with you because I love you so much and I want you to know me- for who I am. I've tried so hard to push this away but everyday it feels like a war. I walk around so mad at the world but I'm really just fighting with myself and I don't wnt to fight anymore. I'm just too tired. I have to just be me." Every time I watch this scene I cry because that's exactly how I feel, whether I like it or not. Which I don't.
I genuinely do not believe that it is a sin. I have done my research on both sides of the argument and it's the conclusion I've come to. You can agree or disagree, but I'm sticking with it. Though I did not tell him that any of it applied to me, my reasons even changed my stubborn Dad's opinions on the subject. First of all, God loves everyone and we're all saved by grace, right? And why would God send someone to hell or stop loving them for something they didn't choose? What about the people who know they'd be rejected by their family and friends and church and try to push it away but can't and eventually end up comitting suicide? I highly doubt they chose it. In my opinion, saying someone is going to hell because they're gay is like saying they're going to hell because they have green eyes or because they're asian or because they're left handed or because they're tall. Also, I don't think it's against the bible. Of course, I can't have a way of knowing this for sure, nobody can. But after all the research I've done, it's what I believe. The only place homosexuality is condemned is in the book of Leviticus, which also says that you can't cook meat smelly enough for your neighboor to smell it, interact or make any kind of physical contact with a woman on her period, or wear clothes with mixed fabrics (like 40% cotton, 60% polyester). If that's the case, I'm certainly going to hell. Also keep in mind that translating something from an ancient form of Aramaic into modern English with countless languages in between, some things are going to get lost or changed. The only other place where homosexuality is mentioned, the original word did not mean homosexual. There was a lexical gap (*meaning there is no word for it in a language) and the original Greek word meant something more like "sexual pervert", referring to man who sleeps with younger male prostitues. That is certainly not me.
This is hard and I don't know what else to say, but please, please, please love me for who I am. I've already encountered people who don't and had things said directly to me that I never thought I would hear, and believe me, they hurt. This is honestly quite terrifying to me but with the help of friends (and, I'm not gonna lie, tumblr) I'm getting through it. I've cried so much over it but I'm slowly learning to love myself anyway. Please, please, please, please do the same?